Jackson's Story

     When Jason and I finally found out we were expecting Jackson, to say we were excited would be an understatement!  We had been through a difficult two years that included two miscarriages at about 7 weeks each.  When I passed that 7 week mark I really felt like this time we would make it!  I started experiencing morning sickness which I hadn't had during either of the miscarriages and for sure had during the pregnancies for my first two babies.  So that was a good sign!
     Our kids were SO excited too!  They had been asking and wondering for quite a while when we would have another baby join our family.  We have never taken down the crib in Elise's room because by the time Elise moved out of it, we knew we would be trying again soon for another baby.
     We didn't announce our pregnancy right away.  We were cautious because of the two previous miscarriages and we didn't want to tell everyone the great news and then have something terrible happen.  Even after a normal ultrasound at 6 weeks and then another at 10 weeks, we waited.  When I was 12 weeks along we finally told our families and some close friends and neighbors.  Everything was going so great up until that point and we didn't think anything could go wrong.  Then, at 13 weeks I started bleeding.  Both of the previous miscarriages started with bleeding and then cramping came later.  It started on a Sunday which was difficult, because I couldn't go into the doctor right away, I had to wait until Monday.  That was a really hard night!  I was so worried that cramping would start and we would lose our baby.  The next day was Elise's birthday and I already had a party planned for her that I felt like I needed to carry out.  It was so hard to try and put on a happy face for Elise and her guests when I felt like I was about to lose our child.   That afternoon I went in to have an ultrasound.  Right away they saw a heartbeat and an active kicking baby.  I was SO relieved!  They couldn't see a place where the bleeding was coming from, so they assumed I had some lining on the wall of my uterus that had torn and may be causing the bleeding.  They sent me home with the assurance that everything would be fine.
     I tried to stay down on bed rest for the next several days to get the bleeding to stop.  I literally hardly got up at all.  Ward members and family brought in meals and helped with watching our kids.  I watched A LOT of movies and mostly slept ( I was SO tired).  At one point I thought I might be low on iron because of the blood loss, so they did some blood work and I found out that I had a normal count.  Looking back, I think I was really stressed and it exhausted me.  About a week and a half into the bleeding I passed a large blood clot that really worried me.  I went into the doctor again for an ultrasound and again our baby was completely fine.  This time they could see an area of bleeding near my cervix.  They told me to continue to take it easy until the bleeding stopped.  I had 3 more scares with heavier bleeding and each time they had me come in and have an ultrasound.  At week 18, on a Sunday, I had a lot of heavy bleeding.  I knew my doctor would be on call so we called and he met us at the office to do a quick ultrasound (which was SO nice of him to do on a Sunday evening).  Again everything was fine with our baby.  While he was doing the ultrasound he asked us if we wanted to know the sex of our baby.  He told us it was a boy!  We were So excited!  I had really been wanting another boy, so this was perfect!  Later we told the kids.  Caden was really excited to have a little brother!  Elise was hoping for a girl, but she was still excited for her baby brother.
     The bleeding continued and after a while, I got used to it.  I still didn't go out much and tried to stay down.  It was really hard, because I am usually a pretty active person.  But, I wanted to do everything I could for our baby boy.  At week 20 we had another ultrasound.  It was a really long one because they were trying to look for the source of the bleeding (which they still couldn't find).  Everything looked great with our baby boy!  This one was a video ultrasound DVD that we got to keep.  We got to see all 4 chambers of his heart and all his organs which were measuring perfectly.  He moved around a lot and we got to see his little face up close.  They recorded his little heartbeat for us too.  He looked a lot like Caden.  We are so grateful for that ultrasound!  It is an absolute treasure that we will keep forever!  Looking back, we were so lucky to have had seven ultrasounds of our baby boy.
     After such a positive ultrasound we decided to announce our pregnancy later that week.  We made an announcement on faceboook and called many of our friends and relatives.  We really felt like things were looking up for us! Three days later on a Sunday afternoon, I started to have contractions.  They weren't too painful at first, so I didn't think much of them.  I knew it was common to have some here and there at this stage in pregnancy.  I called the on call doctor just to make sure and he gave me a few things to try to slow them down.  I tried everything, but the contractions got more painful.  So we decided to go into the ER which was the only option since it was a Sunday evening.  The nurse in the ER was really nice.  She brought in the equipment to listen to our baby boys heartbeat to make us feel better.  He still had a strong heartbeat which was very comforting.  I remember her saying 'you may be in some pain, but he is as happy as a clam!'.   They decided to do an ultrasound and see if they could see anything.  By this time the contractions were getting extremely painful.  I could hardly breath through some of them.  As soon as the ultrasound tech put the wand on my belly she dropped it and said she needed to go talk to the doctor and quickly left the room.  I asked Jason what was on the monitor before she dropped the wand and he said he didn't see anything.  Suddenly the room was filled with lots of doctors and nurses.  They were surrounding me and all talking at once.  I remember thinking it was strange that no one was talking to me yet they were all talking about me.  I asked what was going on twice and no one answered me.  I felt like I was invisible.  I asked again for the third time really loud and my nurse said, 'doctor, she is asking you what is going on'.  The doctor told me I was about to deliver.  Our baby was in the birth canal and there was nothing they could do to prevent it.  We knew immediately that our little boy wouldn't survive.  It was too early.  One of the doctors was very straightforward with me.  He told me that babies born this early never survive and even the ones that are born a few weeks later always have lifelong problems.
     We were taken to the maternity ward and put in a delivery room.  The contractions were very painful.  The nurses told me they were going to try and get me an epidural.  Unfortunately, the anesthesiologist was in a c-section so I had to continue on naturally.  My water eventually broke and they told me it wouldn't be that much longer.  The contractions got stronger and much closer together right away.  As hard as it was without any pain medication, I am glad I got the chance to have a normal birth.  This was something I thought I would never get to experience since I normally have to have c-sections with the shape of my narrow pelvis.  Since Jackson was so small, I was able to deliver him naturally.  I am grateful that I got to share this unique experience with him.   At one point I felt a jolt in my uterus.  I really feel like this is the moment when my sweet baby passed and his spirit left his body.
     Finally Jackson was born.  I remember Jason telling me right away how 'adorable' he was.  The nurse told me he wasn't alive, but she wrapped him up and let me hold him.  I remember him being really warm when I first got to hold him.  It was further proof to me that this little boy had been alive only moments before.  Everything about him was perfect from all ten fingers and toes to his little eyelashes and finger nails.  He was 10 inches long and weighed 13 oz.  My perfect little boy!

     Fortunately, we had a lot of loving family surrounding us during those first few days.  We are so grateful for all the love and support that we have been given.   We decided to name him Jackson Jay Lambert.  His middle name, Jay, is the name of a sweet baby boy Jason's mom lost.  I like to think that Jason's brother, Jay, is with Jackson in Heaven.  Our kids were very sad at the hospital when they found out they had lost their brother.  Caden got very emotional.  He is such a sweet boy!   They still talk about their brother all the time and miss him terribly.  We received great care at the hospital.  We had beautiful pictures taken of our Jackson as well as molds of his hands and feet.  There were teeny, tiny, adorable outfits to dress him in that were donated by other angel moms.  I am so grateful for all they have done for me and I am looking forward to 'paying it forward' in the future to other's who have lost a little one.
   We found out later that I had an infection in my amniotic fluid that caused me to go into preterm labor.  My doctor said I was probably more susceptible to an infection because of my bleeding (which they never did find a direct cause for).  I had further blood work in the weeks after the loss of our son to make sure I don't have any blood disorders, which thankfully I don't.
     We knew right away that we wanted to bury our baby boy.  We had no idea where to even begin the process.  When I checked out of the hospital we went home to drop some things off then immediately we went to several cemeteries.  We eventually realized that we would have to choose our own grave plots if we wanted to be buried near Jackson (which we definitely did).  It was a very surreal experience, shopping for the place you are eventually going to be buried.  Eventually we decided on the same cemetery my grandpa is buried at.  We found a spot we all liked right away.  I felt the spirit there and knew that this is where we needed to bury our son.  We got to dress and hold Jackson one last time at the mortuary.  We each put some special gifts in the casket along with a picture of our family so Jackson will always know how much he is loved.  We then had a beautiful, small graveside service for him. I really felt his spirit there and as hard as this has been, I know this is all part of God's plan for our family.  I remember watching two white butterflies fluttering by next to his casket during the service. One even landed on the casket briefly before flying away.  We often see butterflies when we are at the cemetery.  I will always think of my sweet baby when I see a butterfly.


     We never thought we would have to go through something like this with one of our children.  This experience has brought us so much closer as a family.  It has made me even more grateful for my other two children and all the many blessing we have been given.  Jackson will always be a special part of our family.  I really feel like he has made me a better person.  This has changed my perspective of life so much!  I am learning how to be more compassionate and loving towards others and their needs.  This sweet little boy has taught me more about that than I have learned in a lifetime.  I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to be his mom.  This experience has changed me forever and I hope to continually strive to be better. I will always miss my little boy, but I am grateful to have an angel on the other side always looking out for me!

5 comments:

Rhiannon said...

You are amazing! You have been through so much and you are such an example to me. As I watch you go through this heartbreaking experience and see the love you have for your family and the patience you have for others I really am amazed. I love you and I love your sweet little Jackson.

Sara said...

Wow. Thank you for sharing Jackson's story. You have written it so heartfelt and beautifully. I know our angels are pleased that we are looking to find the good that comes from this. It's a special thing to have an angel for a child.

Nurse Heidi said...

Beautifully written. I often wonder about the "whole story" of my little angels because I am there for such a short little snippet. Jackson was indeed a special boy, and I am grateful to have met him. Thank you for sharing!

Kalista said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I agree that it was beautifully written and it really touched my heart.

Bryson and Tara said...

Kim, I had no idea you went through this. I don't know what to say, other than I am so sorry. Your story and those sweet pictures are beautiful. I don't know how people get through things like this without the hope of the gospel.